The Japanese/Russian Hurricane Conspiracy
September 23, 2005
We all know by now the hurricanes this season are George Bush's fault. The dirt people claim his policies toward global warming caused Katrina and Rita. Like we never had hurricanes before the Bush Administration. Other left-wing conspiracy theorists believe President Bush allowed people to die in New Orleans because they were black. Others think he was just punishing The Big Easy for supporting Kerry in '04.
Well, those theories ain't nothin' compared to this one.
There's a weatherman in Pocatello, Idaho who doesn't believe at all that George Bush had anything to do with the hurricanes. No, it wasn't Bush who created the hurricanes. According to weatherman Scott Stevens, the hurricanes were created by the Japanese mafia using a Russian electromagnetic generator. Stevens was the nightly weatherman for KPVI-TV until he resigned to pursue his theory full time.
On his website, weatherwars.info, Stevens lays out his evidence. He cites none other than former Clinton defense secretary, William Cohen, who, Stevens claims, acknowledged human forces were altering weather back in 1997. “ Others are engaging even in an eco-type of terrorism whereby they can alter the climate . . . through the use of electromagnetic waves ,” Cohen told a counterterrorism conference in Georgia. Stevens writes on his website. “The weather industry will convert quickly, very quickly. Simply put this is a yes or no proposition; it is occurring or it is not.”
Let's see if I can kill two birds with one stone. (Sorry all you PETA people.) This should take down the global warming nuts and the Dr. No theory simultaneously. Let's take Scott Stevens' question in the broader sense. Is it occurring or not? ‘It' being a recent dramatic increase in hurricane activity. That would have to be the centerpiece in either of these theories for them to work. Stevens contends in 2004 we entered the 2-year “final preparation phase” when the Japanese mob really began turning those babies loose. That would mean that the last two years would probably be the most active on record. Well, let's take a look. Last year there were 9 hurricanes in the Atlantic. One, Hurricane Ivan, was a Category 5. However, in 1969, there were 12 hurricanes, the most active year on record. One was a Category 5, the deadly Camille. Certainly 1969 was a more active hurricane season than any other before it but nobody was jumping up and down claiming Richard Nixon caused global warming nor were they asserting the Russkies were riding hurricanes ashore like Slim Pickens in Dr. Strangelove .
We started naming hurricanes in 1950, starting with Hurricane Able. That year we had 11 hurricanes, including a Category 5 and a couple of 4's. The prior year we only had 7 hurricanes. Maybe it was naming the storms that created more instead of just letting them blow through anonymously. We went to all female names in 1953. That must've appeased the hurricane gods because we only had 6 that year.
In 1979, we appeased the feminists and started rotating male names with female names. That certainly seemed to do the trick. Then along came ole George Bush. He stole the election, cut down all the trees, gave all the corporations permission to pollute the air, caused global warming, created two hurricanes to divert attention from Iraq and drive up gas prices for his Texas oil buddies, killed the black folks in New Orleans as punishment for voting against him, then awarded the rebuilding contract to Halliburton.