Landing the Big One
LIBERTIES/by MAUREEN DOWD / As heard on The Phil Valentine Show

WASHINGTON -- This is the sizzling book proposal that is about to land on
the desk of the New York publisher Judith Regan.

"HOW TO CATCH YOUR VERY OWN PRESIDENT!!!"

By Monica Lewinsky as told to Marcia Lewis.

Preface: Powerful men who are busy running things aren't as hard to get as
you think. It's really, really easy if you show a little gumption and a lot of
cleavage.

In fact, sometimes it's actually harder to get the attention of the
President's aides than the Big He himself! Like, at first, I had this huge
crush on George Stephanopoulos. He was such a hottie!!! But no matter how many
times I schlepped to Starbucks for his faves, double tall lattes, George
treated me like some little intern. I tried flirting with Rahm Emanuel, too.
But he was all wrapped up in his wife and kid. Bor-ing!!!!

I called Mom. She knows all about the operatic passions of famous men. She
scolded me for wasting my time on small fry. She told me to dream the
impossible dream!!!

I've been on an amazing voyage of self-discovery. And now I can share with
you the secret to making any man, even the leader of the free world, your love
puppet!

Chapter 1: Location. Location. Location.

Even a Plain Jane or a Plump Patty can beat out Sharon Stone by remembering
one little thing: you're there and she isn't. It's the proximity, stupid! Men
are lazy. They'll grab the closest doughnut off the platter.

You'd think it would be hard to lurk around the Oval Office. Surprise!! A
lot of Xeroxing goes into running a superpower. No task is too menial if it
allows you to bounce past your prey!!!

Also try this: befriend his personal secretary and cozy up to his steward.

Chapter 2: Guarding Your Turf.

Beware of bureaucratic bats who want to protect the President by
transferring you across the Potomac. You must throw big hissy fits -- and make
your mother throw big hissy fits -- until you get transferred back into his
field of vision.

Beware of other girlfriends he may have stashed around the White House. And
don't let any other intern handle the Presidential pizza.

Chapter 3: Dressing for Success.

You don't need an expensive dress to catch your President. The mistake most
White House girls make is trying to get something that fits right and looks
professional. You want something tight and unprofessional!! A snug navy blue
number from the Gap and stilettos will beat a loose, elegantly tailored Calvin
Klein and sensible pumps every time. (Note: If you are called before a grand
jury, reverse that formula.)

Chapter 4: The Care and Feeding of the Presidential Ego.

To turn him into a panting puppy, you must be a breathless kitten. Always
act excited when he calls. Always claw your way to the front of the rope line.
Widen your eyes sympathetically when he complains about foreign dictators,
evil prosecutors and mercenary ex-girlfriends. Don't worry if you're giving
more than you're getting in the relationship. Research his yummies: Is your
President an anchovies man or a mushroom man? Is he a Diet Coke guy or a
Mountain Dew guy?

Lavish him with gifts. And keep everything he gives you -- everything. You
never know when your puppy might turn into a dog.

Chapter 5: Holidays Are Special.

These are the times when you can really be inventive!! Take out a romantic
personal ad addressed to "Handsome" on Valentine's Day. Try a risqué romp when
he gets done with church and family lunch on Easter. For a great Christmas
present, try his favorite cologne. Not Obsession, but Obstruction.

Chapter 6: Loose Lips Sink Ships.

It's super-tempting to tell your girlfriends that you're dating the
President, or brag about slipping past Arafat as you snuck out of the Oval
Office. But I learned the hard way: hold your tongue, at least until the ink
on the book deal is dry. People are way petty!!! You have to be careful. Your
friends may also have agents.

Chapter 7: Turning Rejection Into Royalties.

Love bites!! But if your President dumps you on national TV, don't get down
in the dumps.

If Mr. Big turns into the Big Creep, you can turn those tears into bucks.

Chapter 8: How to Get Your Very Own President Back.

Who knows? I am very young. He is very naughty. It can be very lonely at
the bottom . . .

Sunday, September 6, 1998