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Monica's
Diary / Source Unknown
As
heard on The Phil Valentine Show
Entry
1
Dear Diary, I'm so excited! Just got a job as an intern
at the White House and don't know a thing about medicine.
Don't even know what my duties are yet, but I hope it's
a "hands on" position.
Entry
2
Dear Diary, Unbelievable! Snuck into the Oval Office when
no one was looking. Then I dropped one of my contact lenses.
So, I got down on my hands and knees looking for it when
the President walked in. He said,"You must be the new
intern." That man is psychic! I hope he likes me.
Entry
3
Dear Diary, I think the President likes me. Today he dropped
HIS contacts on the rug and asked me to find them. We looked
all over for them, and you'll never believe where they turned
up. The most embarrassing thing was, he was the one who
found them.
Entry
4
Dear Diary, He really, really likes me.
Entry
5
Dear Diary, I have been sent to the stupid Pentagon. It's
such a drag. Like they're going to put me in charge of heat-seeking
missiles or something. I still talk to my Bubba-cakes on
the phone. He calls me "1-900-Monica." (That means
he thinks I'm one in nine hundred. That's pretty
special.)
Entry
6
Dear Diary, I met a really nice girl today. Her name is
Linda. She's really cool except for that clown hair. Has
she ever heard the word "conditioner?" She looks
like Mrs. Ronald McDonald.
Entry
7
Dear Diary, I think Linda is hard of hearing. She keeps
asking me to speak louder whenever we go out for a quiet
dinner.
Entry
8
Dear Diary, Oh-oh. The bad news: I've been subpoenaed. The
good news is that Vernon Jordan is my new best friend. I'm
going job hunting with him tomorrow.
Entry
9
Dear Diary, I had to give an affidavit in that stupid Paula
Jones' case. What is she talking about? There are no distinguishing
marks. And, by the way, I am way cuter than her. She looks
like David Brenner in drag.
Entry
10
Dear Diary, I've had it. I'm never going to be an intern
again. I'm going back to Hollywood where they pay you for
that kind of work.
Entry
11
Dear Diary, Finally got home to L.A. and hugged Daddy so
hard I thought I would pop. It's the first time in six months
I called a man "daddy" that I was actually related
to.
Entry
12
Dear Diary, It is so totally fabulous being back in Brentwood
where they really understand me. O.J. stopped by. He said
not to worry because "If there's no spot on the dress,
it's anybody's guess."
Entry
13
Dear Diary, All my girlfriends are so jealous of all the
attention I'm getting from Kenneth Starr. I think they have
subpoena envy. And Linda Tripp-I hate her. I'm thinking
of selling a Linda Doll. You wind it up and it stabs a Barbie
Doll in the back.
Entry
14
Dear Diary, Got to remember to tell Bubba-cakes my totally
do-able solution the Pentagaon. Just have Vernon Jordan
get Saddam Wahtsisname a job at Revlon. (Like, really, it's
a no brainer!)
Entry
15
Dear Diary, They keep asking me if I had sexual relations
with the Pres. I mean, give me a break. That's so crazy.
Just because every day when I worked at the White House,
his name was at the top of my "To Do" list.
Entry
16
Dear Diary, Sometimes I wish some of the other girls who
were in my position would stand up and be counted. But they
might hit their heads on the President's desk if they did.
Entry
17
Dear Diary, They keep talking about immunity like I caught
something from the President or something. The truth is,
there was always a secret service man outside the Oval Office
protecting us. Now, that's what I call safe sex!
Entry
18
Dear Diary, Omigod. Mom and I are both going to the grand
jury. What is that about anyway? Sounds like some big hotel.
I guess I shouldn't have told mom about taking dictation
in the Oval Office. Me and my big mouth!
Entry
19
Dear Diary, I'm not really worried. I've got offers to do
some really cool movies that are going straight to video
and starring me! The Full Monica, a sequel to In And Out,
A Pack-O-Lips Now, Wag the Willy and my most favorite: Good
Bill Humping. I hope Speilberg will direct.
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